COVID REALLY DESTROYED ME

Everyone has a story of where they were on March 2020, when the world shut down. It feels like everyone has a heroic story of where their life should’ve been if it wasn’t for covid, and over time those stories we had been telling ourselves disappeared. I was at what I felt like the peak of my career. I was in my third year of Berklee. Running an XR Lab in the 150 building. Running weekly club meetings for Berklee XR, and in the remaining time - working on my company - Virtuo Studios. I was in touch with many people, bringing them to the front stage at the media lab at Berklee while securing good communication and friendships in the industry. I had so many opportunities just waiting for me to grab them. At some point I even had too many opportunities that I ended up turning many of them down.

2020 took me by surprise like it did the rest of the world. My parents already purchased tickets to come see the graduation ceremony in May. I was about to book tickets to SXSW (it was supposed to be my first time speaking in a national conference). Instead - the entire world shut down.

For the first few months I still tried to keep the same lifestyle. I was still taking some classes, although my attention definitely started drifting. I tried to find little inspiration from day to day activities. 1 of my musical pieces was actually about my partner’s snake, who I shared a room with during the lockdown.

After the first year of working from home - I couldn’t focus on video calls anymore. Everything felt un-human. Every time I had a Zoom call, I would open a tab on the side of the screen with Amazon, so I can mindlessly scroll through things I don’t need. After a while, I got into crocheting. Something to do with my hands while I wait for the video to call to be over, and for a while that was a bit better than scrolling on Amazon. At least all my friends got cute plushies out of it. The minute I would finish a call I would push my chair back, get up and go wander around the house, realizing there is not much to do besides that, and return to stare at pixels for another hour. All the interactions I had with people started fading away. My connections to Berklee stopped once I graduated, and so did my affiliation to MIT. Opportunities stopped presenting themselves because I didn’t pay attention during calls. Those unstructured talks you have over coffee, or just in the hallway weren’t happening in the virtual world because any time I wasn’t on a call, I just wanted to get out. Virtuo Studios had to be replaced with a more stable job, that can sign for my visa and can pay the bills.

Its embarrassing to say that out loud - I stopped creating.

2 years into working from home, and I felt defeated.
”YOU WON! I’ll stay at home! I’ll stare alone at my computer. I’ll only invite people I know really closely and god forbid leave the house if there is no purpose. I’ll be obedient and safe. I’ll be an introvert. I’ll stay home and I’ll like it. This is my new life now”.
Meanwhile life was actually going pretty well. I got a steady job in the industry I always dreamed of working in. I got coverage for my visa and a really good paycheck. Enough money to support both me and my partner, while he is working on developing his own startup.

I don’t create anything anymore.

I don’t talk to anyone.

Year 3 of working from home .

This is really bad. Im forgetting how to maintain conversations and eye contact with people. No one knows about this, because I stopped sharing things. My hobbies have taken over my life and at this point, I'm not even sure I can make music again.

If you've read this far - good for you. I would’ve probably gave up at this point and moved to looking at something else. My ability to focus went down drastically as a result of using too much social media. I got to a point that Im struggling to maintain conversations with people because I don’t feel like myself anymore. I still have some close friends that I try to keep in touch with, but they have their own life to deal with. They don’t have time for long meaningful conversation over the phone in the middle of the day, so the interactions I have with others because superficial to the point that I don’t want it anymore.

Why am I telling you all of this? because its time to come clean, and tell you that I am not ok. But also to tell you that I am trying to take steps every day to get better. Its really hard to push yourself when life doesn’t give you any reason to move forward. Life became too convenient, and I became too dull to create anything. Its the feeling of being trapped in a golden cage, where everything inside is good and comfortable, there are no struggles or problems, but it doesn't allow me to grow.

So today is the first day, Im taking steps to get out of the house and create more. I packed few things that will allow me to create : my laptop, headphones, a book about techniques in Ableton, a notebook to document what Im doing and my progress, and a set on pens. I sat down in the Boston public library, reminding myself why I left my old life in Israel, got on a plane with 2 suitecases and many dreams and moved to one of the smartest cities in the world.

I sat there until the guards kicked me out. Those last paragraphs were finished in a cafe near the library. With this blog post, you’ll get to hear the first piece of music I’ve made in the past 3 years. My hope is to get myself to a point where I write every day, each written text will come with a 30 seconds piece of the day to listen to. You, as the reader, will get to see my journey. Maybe it will inspire you. Hopefully it will inspire me at least.

Toda